Before starting on the journey to decrease or stop your BFRB, I think one of the most important things is to write down why you want to decrease/stop. What is your intention?
That may seem like an obvious question. You might say, “well, of course I want to stop. Who wants to pick, pull, etc.?” I was already a couple of months into therapy when I was watching a video one night about goals when it popped into my head, “Why do I want to stop pulling my hair?”
Most of us who have a BFRB have been very quiet about our experiences or lived in shame, thinking that we are the only ones who perform hair pulling, skin picking, chewing, eating, etc. Many people have been told to “just stop” or have been shamed by others. We may not know how to explain to someone else that we are performing that action, and we don’t know why.
I was 9 years old when I began to pull my eyelashes and later my eyebrows. I couldn’t put to words why I was pulling my eyelashes at that age. It wasn’t until I was 31 years old that I understood that BFRBs could be a coping or soothing action for many people.
What is your core intention?
When I actually sat down to think about why I wanted to stop pulling my hair, the answer was simple. I just wanted to have full eyebrows and eyelashes. I wrote in my journal, “For me, I am tired of not having full eyelashes and eyebrows. I would put on some makeup before but normally would go without. Sometimes I didn’t care, but I still had that voice in the back of my mind wondering if people notice. I want to change that voice and to have full, healthy eyebrows and eyelashes.”
I think that writing down an intention, whatever that might be, can help to make sure that you’re ready to begin the journey of decreasing/stopping.
You’re making a decision and not just choosing because society or family and friends believe you should stop.
You’re choosing to start on the journey, even though there will be good days and bad days. Many of us that have a BFRB have been doing it for years, so it will take time to change these patterns and belief systems surrounding our BFRBs. But the important thing is that you choose to start the process and change for yourself, not anyone else.
Your intention and perspective can change as well. For example, I still wanted to have full eyelashes and eyebrows, but I stopped caring that others might see the gaps in my eyelashes or eyebrows if I didn’t put makeup on that day. I changed my inner voice over time. It became much kinder and understanding. I learned that if I’m going to put makeup on, it will be for me and no one else. I am worthy with or without my eyelashes and eyebrows regardless of what anyone else thinks about me.
Bottom Line
If you decide to decrease/stop performing your BFRB, it’s up to you what your intention is. You can write it down and put it on a sticky note in your room. You could keep a note on your phone.
Having a reminder when things get tough can help you focus on your main intention and keep you on track. Don’t be afraid to change or adjust your intention as time goes on as well.